As someone who is naturally very thin, I want to point out that body shaming goes both ways. It’s really difficult to read comments like these and realize that so many people hold those assumptions about people like me. I struggle to keep my weight up—not because of a psychological issue, but due to a neurobiochemical one. Maintaining my weight requires a lot of effort to ensure I get enough protein, calories, and nutrients, especially with a limited diet that isn’t by choice. Please don’t assume that very thin people don’t deserve to exist as they are or that we need to apologize for our bodies. Thanks.
I mean she’s specifically talking about a celebrity who’s been in the public eye since her early teens and is now in her 30s and this is the thinnest she’s ever been by far. This is not someone who previously always looked like this. There’s nothing wrong with addressing the reality before our eyes when someone becomes underweight and it’s bad for young girls to ignore thinness as a phenomenon.
It’s valid to discuss societal issues like thinness and how it impacts young girls, but we need to approach these conversations with care and respect for individuals—especially those under intense public scrutiny. People’s bodies change for countless reasons—health, stress, recovery, or personal circumstances—and making assumptions about those changes can create harmful narratives.
I’ve personally experienced drastic changes in my body throughout my life. At 18, I was 95 pounds, and during my pregnancy with twins, I reached 205 pounds. Six months after giving birth, I was down to 100 pounds. During a particularly difficult time in my life when I was using alcohol to cope, I was 150 pounds. Now, at 45, I’m 5’5” and 100 pounds soaking wet—and I’m very healthy, thank you. Each of these changes reflected a part of my life story—some joyful, some challenging—but none of them told the whole story of me. And yet, at every weight, I was judged—too thin, then too fat—always a judgment, and always from women.
By focusing on the phenomenon of societal pressures surrounding thinness rather than singling out individuals, we can still have meaningful conversations without crossing into judgment or exploitation. Respect for someone’s humanity should always come first, whether or not they’re in the public eye.
I somewhat agree though I think the standard is different for public figures. When a celebrity is distractingly thin or looking ill, I’ll talk about it with people around me and get their take—something that I think most people do. Obviously, I would never say anything cruel to someone’s face, celebrity or not. I would probably inquire about the health of a friend if they suddenly became underweight like Ariana though. Her weight loss really was distracting to me in the film and obviously many others noticed it as well. Hopefully, she’s okay.
I understand the impulse to notice and comment on changes in a public figure’s appearance—it’s a reflection of how deeply ingrained these discussions are in our culture. But when we scrutinize celebrities, especially women, on public platforms, it sends a message to young girls and women that their bodies are always open to judgment. This perpetuates harmful beauty standards and reinforces the idea that a person’s worth is tied to their appearance.
Public conversations like these don’t just affect the celebrity in question; they contribute to a broader culture where women and girls feel pressure to meet impossible standards and fear being scrutinized themselves. It’s one thing to have private concerns or curiosity, but bringing these conversations into the public domain reinforces a cycle that’s unhealthy for everyone. Maybe instead of focusing on someone’s body, we could shift the conversation to their work, their talent, or their humanity—things that truly matter.
Yeah, we just have a fundamental difference in how we see these conversations or maybe in how we are having them. To me, it’s about combating beauty standards and making sure people don’t idealize thinness or feel that they have to emulate it. I think it’s important to note to young girls when one of their favorite pop stars becomes underweight that it’s not a positive thing. If we ignore an obvious change in someone’s weight, they are likely to draw their own conclusions about it, which I think contributes to the larger problem of eating disorders amongst young girls. That’s just my view on it as someone who was deep in the ED world when I was super young. I absolutely would’ve been posting pictures of modern Ariana as “thinspo” for myself and others. That’s not Ariana’s fault necessarily but it is her problem if a bunch of her young fans suddenly start losing weight trying to look like her. Better to have the conversation than not for that reason, in my opinion.
Yes, you are making assumptions and judgments about someone you don’t know. So yes, we do have fundamentally different takes. How do you know she’s underweight? Are you her doctor? Do you live in her body? Do you spend time with her? Are you her therapist?
By all means, have the conversation—but do so with the understanding that all kinds of girls are listening. What we say matters, and how we frame these discussions can shape how they see themselves and others.
Fucking THANK YOU for this comment! I am 'skinny' and have mostly been called that in a negative context - skinny bitch, what would you know, you got to eat more, I liked your curves before better... I NEVER, EVER received comments like that when I had an extra 1/4th of my body weight on my bones.
Thank you for this Sher! Can relate. One of the comments I dread during holidays is "You're so thin! Like a skeleton! You should eat more!" Note that I put so much effort in planning my meals, working out, getting regular checkups yet I struggle to gain weight.
And honestly, my IG algorithm is filled with content on how amazing curves are (I agree!) but sometimes it makes me feel insecure too and puts me in a never ending quest to do more and try harder! Shame does go both ways
Seeing artists like Ariana and Tyla and others make me feel "normal" or like there's a place for me, if that makes sense - perhaps the same way plus size women feel reassured when artists flaunt their curves and are confident and at home in their bodies.
This! I know too many folks who have experienced this as well. One of my friends was shamed and betrayed in an acting class for "being too thin for an actress" by a teacher who had zero information or context as to why someone was the weight they were. Between how folks treat Selena Gomez and Arianna Grande it makes women feel even more limited in their appearance. Selena Gomez openly talks about her health and body context gets shamed for it Grande keeps her personal life personal and gets dragged for it. And honestly at this point I can't help agreeing Grande does she actually owe a public that is deadset on being hurtful the truth? Can't she maintain privacy while also doing her job?
You’re not “naturally thin” if your weight has fluctuated over 100lbs from 18 yrs to 45 yrs. It’s pretty unnatural for a woman to weigh the same weight at 45 as she did at 18, as metabolism naturally slows over time, and body composition and fat storage changes.
Your comment is steeped in assumptions and reflects a misunderstanding of both individual physiology and the diversity of human experience. While it’s true that metabolism and body composition can change with age, these factors are highly individualized, influenced by genetics, lifestyle, and environmental conditions. Science doesn’t dictate that everyone must follow the same pattern—our bodies are far more complex than a simplistic timeline of decline.
Philosophically, your need to project a rigid narrative of what’s ‘natural’ reveals more about your own biases than anything about me. The idea that we should all conform to some predefined trajectory ignores the fundamental truth of human diversity. My body is not up for debate, nor does it need to fit within the confines of your expectations. Perhaps you might reflect on why you feel compelled to police others’ realities instead of exploring your own.
Wrong. Your friends are right to have been concerned over you being extremely underweight and you don’t want to face that you have a hand in getting yourself there. You’re calling yourself “naturally thin” when this is not the case, and you’ve obviously had take steps to get there. At 18? Okay. Lots of women are very thin as teens, but it’s dishonest to pretend a 45 year old “healthy” woman weighs 100lbs at 5’5, same as at 18, with 50-100+ pounds of extreme fluctuations in between. It’s obvious your weight is just as changeable as any woman, and your “natural” state is to fluctuate in weight, as any woman does, not to be “thin.” I think you’re just triggered by criticisms of thin women because you’ve tried to hard to be underweight for so long.
Respecting Autonomy, Compassion, and Dignity in Our Interactions
It’s easy to fall into the trap of commenting on someone else’s choices, especially when we think we’re being helpful. But words matter, and how we approach sensitive topics like health, weight, or personal struggles can either foster understanding or cause harm. I want to address this not just for the commenter but also for anyone reading who may find themselves navigating similar situations. Let’s break this down and reflect on what it means to approach others with autonomy, compassion, and respect.
1. Autonomy: The Foundation of Respect
Everyone has the right to make decisions about their own body and life without unsolicited judgment or interference. Speculating about someone’s health or choices—especially when framed as a certainty—violates that autonomy.
Instead of: “You’re obviously doing X to get to this weight,”
Try: “I’m curious about your perspective and want to better understand your experience.”
Autonomy is about trusting that individuals know themselves best and have the right to define their reality. We don’t have the full story, and it’s not our place to impose one.
2. Compassion: Leading with Empathy
When we approach sensitive topics, it’s important to lead with kindness rather than accusation. Comments like “you’ve obviously tried too hard to stay underweight” are not only harmful but also dismissive of the person’s lived experience.
Instead of: “You’re triggered because you can’t face criticism,”
Try: “I hear that this is a deeply personal topic for you, and I want to approach it with care.”
Compassion means seeing the person as a whole human being, not as a subject to be analyzed or critiqued. It creates space for understanding rather than division.
3. Respect: Honoring Individual Journeys
Everyone’s body and health journey is unique. What appears “obvious” to an outsider may be far from the truth. Respect means recognizing that we don’t have all the answers and refraining from making assumptions.
Instead of: “It’s dishonest to say you’re naturally thin,”
Try: “Bodies and health are so complex—I respect that only you know your own experience.”
Respect also means letting go of the need to control someone else’s narrative. It’s their story to tell, not ours to rewrite.
4. Dignity: Creating Safe Spaces
When we dismiss someone’s feelings or accuse them of being dishonest about their reality, we undermine their dignity. Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in conversations about their own body and choices.
Instead of: “You don’t want to face that you have a hand in this,”
Try: “I hope you feel supported to reflect on your experiences in a way that feels safe and empowering for you.”
Dignity is about affirming the inherent worth of every person, regardless of whether we understand or agree with their choices.
5. Self-Governance: Trusting Others
It’s tempting to think we know what’s best for someone else, but true respect means trusting their ability to govern their own life. Personal health is deeply individual, and each person navigates their journey in their own way.
Instead of: “Your friends were right to intervene,”
Try: “I trust that you’re making the best decisions for yourself and that your journey is unique.”
Self-governance is about recognizing that others are the experts of their own lives, even if their path differs from what we might choose.
A Better Way Forward
Conversations about sensitive topics like health and weight are an opportunity to connect and support, not to critique or impose. Here’s an example of how the original comment could have been reframed:
Compassionate Alternative:
“I hear that this topic is deeply personal to you, and I imagine it hasn’t been easy navigating others’ comments about your weight. Bodies and health are so complex, and only you know your own journey. I hope you feel supported and empowered in defining your own path, and I’m here to listen if you’d ever like to share more about your experience.”
Closing Thought
We all make mistakes in how we approach sensitive topics—it’s human. What matters is our willingness to learn, reflect, and do better. Let’s strive to approach each other with autonomy, compassion, respect, and dignity. These aren’t just values—they’re the foundation of meaningful, supportive relationships. (even in online forums)
lol. OR, you could stop holding on to the idea that you’re “naturally thin” when that hasn’t been the actual truth since you were 18 years old, and “naturalizing” the idea of thinness or fatness for women is a problem, when most women’s lives have disproven either state as “natural” if you need to take steps to maintain it. There IS no natural state aside from fluctuation because bodies are always in transition.
I ask this will full sincerity: What is wrong with you? The arrogance of speaking this way to an individual you have never met is, quite frankly, appalling, not to mention pretty disgusting. I don’t feel rude giving the very same back to you as this is the tone you have clearly invited.
I won’t make assumptions as to why you seem to be such a self righteous, inconsiderate individual, but I seriously hope you work on your damage. I doubt you would be so callous speaking face to face with someone, and if you were, you’d rightfully deserve to be verbally shredded. You and your comments lose ALL credibility when an individual takes the time to teach you how to be respectful when discussing a sensitive topic that impacts them and your choice is to double down on rudeness. Wow, just WOW.
As a 20-year high school teaching veteran, I implore you to please stay away from young people. You are most certainly not the role model any of them needs. In a world significantly lacking in compassion, empathy and respect, your comments and demonstrated attitude on this thread are standard bearers for much of what is wrong in our society today. Do better.
I hear what you’re saying, and I agree that addressing the underlying issues around body expectations is crucial. However, I don’t think anyone is pretending eating disorders don’t exist. The problem lies in how we demonize and pathologize them, which often isolates individuals and frames these behaviors as solely “bad” or “wrong” instead of recognizing them as complex responses to systemic pressures, trauma, or societal expectations.
This isn’t just an individual issue—it’s a systemic one. By singling out Ariana, or any thin woman for that matter, this article shifts the focus onto individuals rather than addressing the broader systems at play. When we think we have the right to decide what’s “right” or “wrong” about a woman’s choices for her body, we’re treading into control dynamics. The “crossfire” happens because of these dynamics, and it’s especially harmful to women.
As women, we need to respect the choices and self-leadership of other women. Instead of teaching young girls and women to judge or discern who is “naturally thin” versus who is engaging in unhealthy strategies, we should be teaching them self-leadership and self-compassion. Comparison breeds shame, and shame fuels the very cycles we’re trying to dismantle.
To truly address these issues, we need to create a culture of acceptance and empowerment—one that looks at the systemic pressures driving these behaviors and dismantles them without demonizing individuals, thin or otherwise, in the process.
i so appreciate your commentary as a naturally thin person. the horrific things i had to hear about some of my friends & myself still haunt me. i was ashamed to wear even slightly revealing clothes because i was boney & constantly received judgment under the guise of “concern” from my peers. i was asked about EDs, strange genetic possibilities, down to being asked relentlessly if i had a tape worm. some people have an obsession with weight & they make it everyone else’s problem - because i certainly didn’t care about my weight until others started saying weird things to me about it. it destroyed my confidence & even the verbiage used in the entry you responded to, calling Ariana a “skeleton”, was disappointing when the consensus was that body neutrality ought to be the standard. no one KNOWS her. lest we all forget the insane comments that Chadwick Boseman received before his devastating death. how insensitive & cruel did those same people saying those awful things look when it was revealed he was dealing with cancer? i think, respectfully, everyone should shut up entirely about other people’s appearance. body neutrality only, forever. thank you for speaking up.
I’m in recovery from anorexia and a handful of other ed’s and I have mostly found body neutrality. It is possible. It’s more about letting go than striving for it. I’m glad you/we are talking about this. I have found Hollywood thinness extremely problematic and dangerous for a longggggg time.
Thank you for saying that, I'm glad this has resonated - I think body neutrality is what we all need to be aiming for but I agree, it's less about 'aiming for' and more about surrender and letting go. So happy for you that you have (mostly) found it
Well expressed. This was the first article in which I've seen the term body neutrality—and I love it. It feels like a relationship that brings more peacefulness & joy to life. Removing such intense focus on fixing or changing and shifting into an experience of acceptance. It's wonderful you live more in that space now.
I gave up changing rooms about 30 years ago and one of the things I'm most glad the internet gave us - shopping online.
I too have noticed young girls like the Goldsmiths students you mentioned and it makes me so joyful that they give no fucks! What a breath of fresh air.
I think body neutrality would be a win for everyone. The level of pressure on us all is so intense, that's why it made me so happy to see those girls out there just living their lives
Eh. I also lived through the early 2000s and got my own bespoke eating disorder as a result but I still don’t think that means it’s okay to publicly speculate on people’s bodies.
The intense public speculation that was occurring in my youth was part of the problem; we normalized making comments and assumptions about whole humans based on how thin or not thin they look. And that still hasn’t gone away; take for instance the criticism Sydney Sweeney is receiving for having a body and being photographed with it.
There is absolutely a balance to be struck when discussing the ills of diet culture where we don’t need to choose one famous person to direct our commentary towards simply because their body currently reflects the societal standards we are critiquing. If we agree that body neutrality has an overall net positive effect on humanity then that also means us being neutral about other people’s bodies.
It's amazing how badly our generation has internalised body shaming. I catch myself thinking the craziest thoughts. I realised recently that it bothered me that I'd gained weight because if I went back to the town I grew up in, old (male) friends might notice. Just a bizarre train of thought that I really had to sit with for a moment.
I've also had those thoughts. I grew up in a very small town (1500 people) and since I'm 70 lbs heavier than when I was in high school (I can't believe I ever weighed 110 lbs!), I don't want to show my face because people will be like, "Oh, she let herself go!" Never mind that I graduated high school in 1993, had a baby, had several chronic illnesses, and lived a LOT of life since then!
Weight loss (or gain) isn't always intentional, or indicative of an eating disorder. Reminds me of Chadwick Boseman a few years ago, when everyone was freaking out about how skinny he was-and turns out he was really sick. I think the best commentary would be none at all.
Exactly the comment I was looking for. You never know what’s going on behind the curtain. I think the endless speculation about the appearance of others, all for the sake of “bad influence”, is more damaging than the actual individual’s appearance. Best to let Adriana Grande deal with whatever she’s fighting in peace, wish the best for her, and leave it at that.
Thank you for this! I so relate to the “muffin top” body shaming, and I’m 69-f-ing-years old. When you’re raised this way, it’s almost impossible to make the voices in your head stop, so I too celebrate the younger generation and their liberation from this bullshit.
I'm 67 and still obsess about my weight! I was on a keto diet for 3 years and felt good about my body. Then I got tired of the diet. I gained about 36 pounds in three months! I feel disgusting. I'm back on the diet. I want my clothes to fit and I want to feel better about myself. Good or bad, it's the way I am.
You deserve to live a life without diets. Research shows that 95-98% of diets fail and often lead to more weight gain. Diets aren’t the answer to body dissatisfaction.
The defence with discourse over celebrity bodies is always that we shouldn't "body shame", or that it's their body and the public should have no say over this. However, it's hard to avoid the discussions when they're constantly being glamourized by especially younger audiences. I feel like they hold the responsibility to not lie about their 'good health' when it's clearly not the case with this new surge of extreme and unnatural thinness.
And that is part of the problem. The rich, the famous women, the ones on magazine covers or featured on the red carpet, are usually impossibly thin. The assumption that these are the women other women should admire and aspire to be like. Unlike those of us who “let themselves go” who are assumed to be lazy gluttons, just as we assume that the extremely thin are anorexic.
You don’t know why she’s thin. I’d a very high metabolism before I had my hysterectomy at 30yo. I was athetic, too, so had to consume thousands of calories per day more than many people. It was a pita. So, making these statements without actual knowledge of why she’s thin is fucking irresponsible. Maybe she suffers from anorexia/bulimia, which is an actual brain disorder. Do you want to judge her for that, too?
When my daughter was young, she watched the Nickleodeon show that Ariana was on - I think it was VICTORIOUS - and years later, I saw her and thought, "wow, she lost a TON of weight." And since then, she's even more frail-looking. I worry about her health. Same for Jessica Simpson.
And I think they're reacting just like we do when people make comments about our bodies - we try and shrink ourselves...except for them, the media scrutiny makes it so much worse, and they've gone overboard. It breaks my heart. If only we could all have grown up seeing all different sizes and kinds of bodies onscreen, in magazines, and in every other type of media. How different we all might be!
I'll be 50 next year. I've been yo-yoing with my weight for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, and I am so, so, so TIRED of it.
I think ‘body neutrality’ is a great term to adopt, not just for ourselves but also for how we view others. We’ve gained/lost weight - so what? Ariana Grande has gained/lost weight… SO WHAT?
Thanks for this. I can barely stand to look at the posters for the film because all I see is disordered eating. I grew up thinking I was fat because I had no thigh gap. I was a size 4. Its all so heartbreaking
These are important conversations and you do such a beautiful job of exploring the many facets & nuances of what can be heated subject matter. Bravo ❤️ ~ e
As someone who is naturally very thin, I want to point out that body shaming goes both ways. It’s really difficult to read comments like these and realize that so many people hold those assumptions about people like me. I struggle to keep my weight up—not because of a psychological issue, but due to a neurobiochemical one. Maintaining my weight requires a lot of effort to ensure I get enough protein, calories, and nutrients, especially with a limited diet that isn’t by choice. Please don’t assume that very thin people don’t deserve to exist as they are or that we need to apologize for our bodies. Thanks.
I mean she’s specifically talking about a celebrity who’s been in the public eye since her early teens and is now in her 30s and this is the thinnest she’s ever been by far. This is not someone who previously always looked like this. There’s nothing wrong with addressing the reality before our eyes when someone becomes underweight and it’s bad for young girls to ignore thinness as a phenomenon.
It’s valid to discuss societal issues like thinness and how it impacts young girls, but we need to approach these conversations with care and respect for individuals—especially those under intense public scrutiny. People’s bodies change for countless reasons—health, stress, recovery, or personal circumstances—and making assumptions about those changes can create harmful narratives.
I’ve personally experienced drastic changes in my body throughout my life. At 18, I was 95 pounds, and during my pregnancy with twins, I reached 205 pounds. Six months after giving birth, I was down to 100 pounds. During a particularly difficult time in my life when I was using alcohol to cope, I was 150 pounds. Now, at 45, I’m 5’5” and 100 pounds soaking wet—and I’m very healthy, thank you. Each of these changes reflected a part of my life story—some joyful, some challenging—but none of them told the whole story of me. And yet, at every weight, I was judged—too thin, then too fat—always a judgment, and always from women.
By focusing on the phenomenon of societal pressures surrounding thinness rather than singling out individuals, we can still have meaningful conversations without crossing into judgment or exploitation. Respect for someone’s humanity should always come first, whether or not they’re in the public eye.
I somewhat agree though I think the standard is different for public figures. When a celebrity is distractingly thin or looking ill, I’ll talk about it with people around me and get their take—something that I think most people do. Obviously, I would never say anything cruel to someone’s face, celebrity or not. I would probably inquire about the health of a friend if they suddenly became underweight like Ariana though. Her weight loss really was distracting to me in the film and obviously many others noticed it as well. Hopefully, she’s okay.
I understand the impulse to notice and comment on changes in a public figure’s appearance—it’s a reflection of how deeply ingrained these discussions are in our culture. But when we scrutinize celebrities, especially women, on public platforms, it sends a message to young girls and women that their bodies are always open to judgment. This perpetuates harmful beauty standards and reinforces the idea that a person’s worth is tied to their appearance.
Public conversations like these don’t just affect the celebrity in question; they contribute to a broader culture where women and girls feel pressure to meet impossible standards and fear being scrutinized themselves. It’s one thing to have private concerns or curiosity, but bringing these conversations into the public domain reinforces a cycle that’s unhealthy for everyone. Maybe instead of focusing on someone’s body, we could shift the conversation to their work, their talent, or their humanity—things that truly matter.
Yeah, we just have a fundamental difference in how we see these conversations or maybe in how we are having them. To me, it’s about combating beauty standards and making sure people don’t idealize thinness or feel that they have to emulate it. I think it’s important to note to young girls when one of their favorite pop stars becomes underweight that it’s not a positive thing. If we ignore an obvious change in someone’s weight, they are likely to draw their own conclusions about it, which I think contributes to the larger problem of eating disorders amongst young girls. That’s just my view on it as someone who was deep in the ED world when I was super young. I absolutely would’ve been posting pictures of modern Ariana as “thinspo” for myself and others. That’s not Ariana’s fault necessarily but it is her problem if a bunch of her young fans suddenly start losing weight trying to look like her. Better to have the conversation than not for that reason, in my opinion.
Yes, you are making assumptions and judgments about someone you don’t know. So yes, we do have fundamentally different takes. How do you know she’s underweight? Are you her doctor? Do you live in her body? Do you spend time with her? Are you her therapist?
By all means, have the conversation—but do so with the understanding that all kinds of girls are listening. What we say matters, and how we frame these discussions can shape how they see themselves and others.
I wrote a depthful article about this if you are interested. https://substack.com/@shergriffin/note/c-82481742?r=fk1be&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Fucking THANK YOU for this comment! I am 'skinny' and have mostly been called that in a negative context - skinny bitch, what would you know, you got to eat more, I liked your curves before better... I NEVER, EVER received comments like that when I had an extra 1/4th of my body weight on my bones.
Thank you. I'm the same, and the barrage of "body positivity, except you" is really exhausting.
Thank you for this Sher! Can relate. One of the comments I dread during holidays is "You're so thin! Like a skeleton! You should eat more!" Note that I put so much effort in planning my meals, working out, getting regular checkups yet I struggle to gain weight.
And honestly, my IG algorithm is filled with content on how amazing curves are (I agree!) but sometimes it makes me feel insecure too and puts me in a never ending quest to do more and try harder! Shame does go both ways
Seeing artists like Ariana and Tyla and others make me feel "normal" or like there's a place for me, if that makes sense - perhaps the same way plus size women feel reassured when artists flaunt their curves and are confident and at home in their bodies.
This! I know too many folks who have experienced this as well. One of my friends was shamed and betrayed in an acting class for "being too thin for an actress" by a teacher who had zero information or context as to why someone was the weight they were. Between how folks treat Selena Gomez and Arianna Grande it makes women feel even more limited in their appearance. Selena Gomez openly talks about her health and body context gets shamed for it Grande keeps her personal life personal and gets dragged for it. And honestly at this point I can't help agreeing Grande does she actually owe a public that is deadset on being hurtful the truth? Can't she maintain privacy while also doing her job?
You’re not “naturally thin” if your weight has fluctuated over 100lbs from 18 yrs to 45 yrs. It’s pretty unnatural for a woman to weigh the same weight at 45 as she did at 18, as metabolism naturally slows over time, and body composition and fat storage changes.
Your comment is steeped in assumptions and reflects a misunderstanding of both individual physiology and the diversity of human experience. While it’s true that metabolism and body composition can change with age, these factors are highly individualized, influenced by genetics, lifestyle, and environmental conditions. Science doesn’t dictate that everyone must follow the same pattern—our bodies are far more complex than a simplistic timeline of decline.
Philosophically, your need to project a rigid narrative of what’s ‘natural’ reveals more about your own biases than anything about me. The idea that we should all conform to some predefined trajectory ignores the fundamental truth of human diversity. My body is not up for debate, nor does it need to fit within the confines of your expectations. Perhaps you might reflect on why you feel compelled to police others’ realities instead of exploring your own.
Wrong. Your friends are right to have been concerned over you being extremely underweight and you don’t want to face that you have a hand in getting yourself there. You’re calling yourself “naturally thin” when this is not the case, and you’ve obviously had take steps to get there. At 18? Okay. Lots of women are very thin as teens, but it’s dishonest to pretend a 45 year old “healthy” woman weighs 100lbs at 5’5, same as at 18, with 50-100+ pounds of extreme fluctuations in between. It’s obvious your weight is just as changeable as any woman, and your “natural” state is to fluctuate in weight, as any woman does, not to be “thin.” I think you’re just triggered by criticisms of thin women because you’ve tried to hard to be underweight for so long.
Respecting Autonomy, Compassion, and Dignity in Our Interactions
It’s easy to fall into the trap of commenting on someone else’s choices, especially when we think we’re being helpful. But words matter, and how we approach sensitive topics like health, weight, or personal struggles can either foster understanding or cause harm. I want to address this not just for the commenter but also for anyone reading who may find themselves navigating similar situations. Let’s break this down and reflect on what it means to approach others with autonomy, compassion, and respect.
1. Autonomy: The Foundation of Respect
Everyone has the right to make decisions about their own body and life without unsolicited judgment or interference. Speculating about someone’s health or choices—especially when framed as a certainty—violates that autonomy.
Instead of: “You’re obviously doing X to get to this weight,”
Try: “I’m curious about your perspective and want to better understand your experience.”
Autonomy is about trusting that individuals know themselves best and have the right to define their reality. We don’t have the full story, and it’s not our place to impose one.
2. Compassion: Leading with Empathy
When we approach sensitive topics, it’s important to lead with kindness rather than accusation. Comments like “you’ve obviously tried too hard to stay underweight” are not only harmful but also dismissive of the person’s lived experience.
Instead of: “You’re triggered because you can’t face criticism,”
Try: “I hear that this is a deeply personal topic for you, and I want to approach it with care.”
Compassion means seeing the person as a whole human being, not as a subject to be analyzed or critiqued. It creates space for understanding rather than division.
3. Respect: Honoring Individual Journeys
Everyone’s body and health journey is unique. What appears “obvious” to an outsider may be far from the truth. Respect means recognizing that we don’t have all the answers and refraining from making assumptions.
Instead of: “It’s dishonest to say you’re naturally thin,”
Try: “Bodies and health are so complex—I respect that only you know your own experience.”
Respect also means letting go of the need to control someone else’s narrative. It’s their story to tell, not ours to rewrite.
4. Dignity: Creating Safe Spaces
When we dismiss someone’s feelings or accuse them of being dishonest about their reality, we undermine their dignity. Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in conversations about their own body and choices.
Instead of: “You don’t want to face that you have a hand in this,”
Try: “I hope you feel supported to reflect on your experiences in a way that feels safe and empowering for you.”
Dignity is about affirming the inherent worth of every person, regardless of whether we understand or agree with their choices.
5. Self-Governance: Trusting Others
It’s tempting to think we know what’s best for someone else, but true respect means trusting their ability to govern their own life. Personal health is deeply individual, and each person navigates their journey in their own way.
Instead of: “Your friends were right to intervene,”
Try: “I trust that you’re making the best decisions for yourself and that your journey is unique.”
Self-governance is about recognizing that others are the experts of their own lives, even if their path differs from what we might choose.
A Better Way Forward
Conversations about sensitive topics like health and weight are an opportunity to connect and support, not to critique or impose. Here’s an example of how the original comment could have been reframed:
Compassionate Alternative:
“I hear that this topic is deeply personal to you, and I imagine it hasn’t been easy navigating others’ comments about your weight. Bodies and health are so complex, and only you know your own journey. I hope you feel supported and empowered in defining your own path, and I’m here to listen if you’d ever like to share more about your experience.”
Closing Thought
We all make mistakes in how we approach sensitive topics—it’s human. What matters is our willingness to learn, reflect, and do better. Let’s strive to approach each other with autonomy, compassion, respect, and dignity. These aren’t just values—they’re the foundation of meaningful, supportive relationships. (even in online forums)
lol. OR, you could stop holding on to the idea that you’re “naturally thin” when that hasn’t been the actual truth since you were 18 years old, and “naturalizing” the idea of thinness or fatness for women is a problem, when most women’s lives have disproven either state as “natural” if you need to take steps to maintain it. There IS no natural state aside from fluctuation because bodies are always in transition.
I ask this will full sincerity: What is wrong with you? The arrogance of speaking this way to an individual you have never met is, quite frankly, appalling, not to mention pretty disgusting. I don’t feel rude giving the very same back to you as this is the tone you have clearly invited.
I won’t make assumptions as to why you seem to be such a self righteous, inconsiderate individual, but I seriously hope you work on your damage. I doubt you would be so callous speaking face to face with someone, and if you were, you’d rightfully deserve to be verbally shredded. You and your comments lose ALL credibility when an individual takes the time to teach you how to be respectful when discussing a sensitive topic that impacts them and your choice is to double down on rudeness. Wow, just WOW.
As a 20-year high school teaching veteran, I implore you to please stay away from young people. You are most certainly not the role model any of them needs. In a world significantly lacking in compassion, empathy and respect, your comments and demonstrated attitude on this thread are standard bearers for much of what is wrong in our society today. Do better.
Peace be with you.
I hear what you’re saying, and I agree that addressing the underlying issues around body expectations is crucial. However, I don’t think anyone is pretending eating disorders don’t exist. The problem lies in how we demonize and pathologize them, which often isolates individuals and frames these behaviors as solely “bad” or “wrong” instead of recognizing them as complex responses to systemic pressures, trauma, or societal expectations.
This isn’t just an individual issue—it’s a systemic one. By singling out Ariana, or any thin woman for that matter, this article shifts the focus onto individuals rather than addressing the broader systems at play. When we think we have the right to decide what’s “right” or “wrong” about a woman’s choices for her body, we’re treading into control dynamics. The “crossfire” happens because of these dynamics, and it’s especially harmful to women.
As women, we need to respect the choices and self-leadership of other women. Instead of teaching young girls and women to judge or discern who is “naturally thin” versus who is engaging in unhealthy strategies, we should be teaching them self-leadership and self-compassion. Comparison breeds shame, and shame fuels the very cycles we’re trying to dismantle.
To truly address these issues, we need to create a culture of acceptance and empowerment—one that looks at the systemic pressures driving these behaviors and dismantles them without demonizing individuals, thin or otherwise, in the process.
i so appreciate your commentary as a naturally thin person. the horrific things i had to hear about some of my friends & myself still haunt me. i was ashamed to wear even slightly revealing clothes because i was boney & constantly received judgment under the guise of “concern” from my peers. i was asked about EDs, strange genetic possibilities, down to being asked relentlessly if i had a tape worm. some people have an obsession with weight & they make it everyone else’s problem - because i certainly didn’t care about my weight until others started saying weird things to me about it. it destroyed my confidence & even the verbiage used in the entry you responded to, calling Ariana a “skeleton”, was disappointing when the consensus was that body neutrality ought to be the standard. no one KNOWS her. lest we all forget the insane comments that Chadwick Boseman received before his devastating death. how insensitive & cruel did those same people saying those awful things look when it was revealed he was dealing with cancer? i think, respectfully, everyone should shut up entirely about other people’s appearance. body neutrality only, forever. thank you for speaking up.
WOW. I love this. Thank you.
just ONE day without thinking about my body pls i beg
THIS. So much THIS.
You’ve been hanging out with Nigerians and I love to see it.
I’m in recovery from anorexia and a handful of other ed’s and I have mostly found body neutrality. It is possible. It’s more about letting go than striving for it. I’m glad you/we are talking about this. I have found Hollywood thinness extremely problematic and dangerous for a longggggg time.
Thank you for saying that, I'm glad this has resonated - I think body neutrality is what we all need to be aiming for but I agree, it's less about 'aiming for' and more about surrender and letting go. So happy for you that you have (mostly) found it
The way you said that sounds like what should be the very definition of body neutrality.
Well expressed. This was the first article in which I've seen the term body neutrality—and I love it. It feels like a relationship that brings more peacefulness & joy to life. Removing such intense focus on fixing or changing and shifting into an experience of acceptance. It's wonderful you live more in that space now.
Wouldn't 'body neutrality' be a win for women?
I gave up changing rooms about 30 years ago and one of the things I'm most glad the internet gave us - shopping online.
I too have noticed young girls like the Goldsmiths students you mentioned and it makes me so joyful that they give no fucks! What a breath of fresh air.
I think body neutrality would be a win for everyone. The level of pressure on us all is so intense, that's why it made me so happy to see those girls out there just living their lives
So true!
Eh. I also lived through the early 2000s and got my own bespoke eating disorder as a result but I still don’t think that means it’s okay to publicly speculate on people’s bodies.
The intense public speculation that was occurring in my youth was part of the problem; we normalized making comments and assumptions about whole humans based on how thin or not thin they look. And that still hasn’t gone away; take for instance the criticism Sydney Sweeney is receiving for having a body and being photographed with it.
There is absolutely a balance to be struck when discussing the ills of diet culture where we don’t need to choose one famous person to direct our commentary towards simply because their body currently reflects the societal standards we are critiquing. If we agree that body neutrality has an overall net positive effect on humanity then that also means us being neutral about other people’s bodies.
It's amazing how badly our generation has internalised body shaming. I catch myself thinking the craziest thoughts. I realised recently that it bothered me that I'd gained weight because if I went back to the town I grew up in, old (male) friends might notice. Just a bizarre train of thought that I really had to sit with for a moment.
I've also had those thoughts. I grew up in a very small town (1500 people) and since I'm 70 lbs heavier than when I was in high school (I can't believe I ever weighed 110 lbs!), I don't want to show my face because people will be like, "Oh, she let herself go!" Never mind that I graduated high school in 1993, had a baby, had several chronic illnesses, and lived a LOT of life since then!
Weight loss (or gain) isn't always intentional, or indicative of an eating disorder. Reminds me of Chadwick Boseman a few years ago, when everyone was freaking out about how skinny he was-and turns out he was really sick. I think the best commentary would be none at all.
Exactly the comment I was looking for. You never know what’s going on behind the curtain. I think the endless speculation about the appearance of others, all for the sake of “bad influence”, is more damaging than the actual individual’s appearance. Best to let Adriana Grande deal with whatever she’s fighting in peace, wish the best for her, and leave it at that.
Thank you for this! I so relate to the “muffin top” body shaming, and I’m 69-f-ing-years old. When you’re raised this way, it’s almost impossible to make the voices in your head stop, so I too celebrate the younger generation and their liberation from this bullshit.
I'm 67 and still obsess about my weight! I was on a keto diet for 3 years and felt good about my body. Then I got tired of the diet. I gained about 36 pounds in three months! I feel disgusting. I'm back on the diet. I want my clothes to fit and I want to feel better about myself. Good or bad, it's the way I am.
You deserve to live a life without diets. Research shows that 95-98% of diets fail and often lead to more weight gain. Diets aren’t the answer to body dissatisfaction.
The defence with discourse over celebrity bodies is always that we shouldn't "body shame", or that it's their body and the public should have no say over this. However, it's hard to avoid the discussions when they're constantly being glamourized by especially younger audiences. I feel like they hold the responsibility to not lie about their 'good health' when it's clearly not the case with this new surge of extreme and unnatural thinness.
And that is part of the problem. The rich, the famous women, the ones on magazine covers or featured on the red carpet, are usually impossibly thin. The assumption that these are the women other women should admire and aspire to be like. Unlike those of us who “let themselves go” who are assumed to be lazy gluttons, just as we assume that the extremely thin are anorexic.
You don’t know why she’s thin. I’d a very high metabolism before I had my hysterectomy at 30yo. I was athetic, too, so had to consume thousands of calories per day more than many people. It was a pita. So, making these statements without actual knowledge of why she’s thin is fucking irresponsible. Maybe she suffers from anorexia/bulimia, which is an actual brain disorder. Do you want to judge her for that, too?
JFC.
It’s anorexia. A mental illness, societally enabled
When my daughter was young, she watched the Nickleodeon show that Ariana was on - I think it was VICTORIOUS - and years later, I saw her and thought, "wow, she lost a TON of weight." And since then, she's even more frail-looking. I worry about her health. Same for Jessica Simpson.
And I think they're reacting just like we do when people make comments about our bodies - we try and shrink ourselves...except for them, the media scrutiny makes it so much worse, and they've gone overboard. It breaks my heart. If only we could all have grown up seeing all different sizes and kinds of bodies onscreen, in magazines, and in every other type of media. How different we all might be!
I'll be 50 next year. I've been yo-yoing with my weight for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, and I am so, so, so TIRED of it.
I agree with you, representation is key and it's what we all need!
I think ‘body neutrality’ is a great term to adopt, not just for ourselves but also for how we view others. We’ve gained/lost weight - so what? Ariana Grande has gained/lost weight… SO WHAT?
Thanks for this. I can barely stand to look at the posters for the film because all I see is disordered eating. I grew up thinking I was fat because I had no thigh gap. I was a size 4. Its all so heartbreaking
These are important conversations and you do such a beautiful job of exploring the many facets & nuances of what can be heated subject matter. Bravo ❤️ ~ e
Thank you so much Elyse, that means a lot!
i think body neutrality involves not writing about celebrity bodies.